Today marks the second anniversary of Doug’s Homegoing, altho I believe he now inhabits a place of eternity with no time and space limitations, but here I am still marking things with an earthly perspective. My heart is beyond happy for him to be where I believe there is no pain, no sorrow, no sadness. My words don’t do it justice, I know, and I don’t wanna mess up the incredibleness of God and all but I am wanting to articulate to the best of my ability how I’m feeling so, so grateful today. The days leading up to today have also had the thankful vibe for sure. I imagine the pure joy & full-heartedness Doug must be reveling in, having his questions answered, meeting saints of old, worshipping the Living God with the Angels, living his best life, no fears & no worries about anything. In as much as I believe Heaven to be a perfect place with God & Love & Forever infused into every inch of it there, (and if I’m honest I am kinda jealous that he got to go there first and immediately be plopped into a Place we talked about often, wondered about, tried with our human limitations to imagine, and looked forward to together with such expectation that it gave our earthly life a sweetness that almost defies words….), I have experienced some of my own wonderful, nothing short of miraculous moments here these past 2 years, feeling encased in an ornate & beautiful frame of God’s supreme protection, swaddled securely in peace & comfort, and literally feeling the Hand of God holding my right hand thru the days and months and now years.
The song by Mercy Me, “I Can Only Imagine” is a powerful, anointed strength-narrative that builds me up inside and makes me wanna shout & cheer about Heaven. I never tire of listening to it.
I really like Martha Snell Nicholson’s poem called “The Other Side”…. “This isn’t death–it’s glory! It is not dark–it’s light! It isn’t stumbling, groping, Or even faith–it’s sight! This isn’t grief–it’s having my last tear wiped away; It’s sunrise–it’s the morning of my eternal day! This isn’t even praying–It’s speaking face to face; Listening and glimpsing the wonders of His grace. This is the end of pleading for strength to bear my pain; not even pain’s dark mem’ry will ever live again. How did I bear the earth-life before I came up higher, before my soul was granted it’s ev’ry deep desire, before I knew the rapture of meeting face to face the One who sought me, saved me, and kept me by His grace!”
My strongest Hope, however, is found in God’s Word: In John 11:25, “Jesus said to her, “[a]I am the Resurrection and the Life. Whoever believes in (adheres to, trusts in, relies on) Me [as Savior] will live even if he dies;” These strong words change the I think so, I wish so, I hope so, and maybe into I know so. Hands down. We do not grieve as those without Hope. John 14:3 reminds me I will once again be reunited with God and with Doug. On this earthly journey we live by faith. Doug now lives by sight. Wow! He is smiling & belly laughing all the time now. I love that thought. I long for that time for me and those I love & share life with until then. Jeremiah 31:9 says, “Tears of joy shall stream down their faces, and I will lead them home with great care.” And let me finish with Jeremiah 31:12, “They shall come home and sing songs of joy upon the hills of Zion, and shall be radiant over the goodness of the Lord…..Their life shall be like a watered garden, and all their sorrows shall be gone.”
I think death deserves a bit more space in the thoughts of our lives because it is just as much a fact in our life as living is. I think too often it’s a subject that can be off limits because of the pain & loss, but may be better for us to include it more often to remove some of its negative emotions & the sting of it. It can be quite a hideous & sad & displeasing subject indeed, however God’s opinion of it says, “Precious in the sight of God is the death of his saints.” Precious means…..invaluable, highly-prized, cherished. Hmmmmm, I want myself to stop letting death be such a dreadful full-stop and I want to view it more like God does. It is apparent to me that God’s Perspective on death is quite different from mine; in that it was His Plan for His own Son to die, to accomplish our redemption and our living with Him forever. Death has a higher purpose, a lasting meaning, and a Divine element of mystery that I’ve yet to fully understand. I look forward to my turn to meet God face to face and ask many questions I have no answers to in this earthly life. I find the Hope that’s woven into so much of God’s Word creeping like a dense fog over the mountains and valleys of what’s left of my years; it serves as a strong reminder to carry on well, to be alive well (because of a big, good God that is to be trusted with every ounce of my being as He heals & restores me), to last well until my own appointed hour, and to die well.
Cheers to Life, to Eternal Life, to God’s Plan, to my XXL, our #6, my high school sweetheart, my life partner, my iron sharpens iron person, wonderful Dad to our kids, companion, and man of Faith who finished his race well. I love you & miss you.
This day means a lot to me. First off, kudos to my own Mom who was the most classy, beautiful, strong, nurturing & loving person I ever knew growing up. I loved being a Mom. Loved the challenges, joys and even some sorrows. Loved getting to help shape, mold, love, mentor and grow along with our kids as they became young adults and I became more experienced & seasoned. It was such a privilege to see our kids’ unique personalities, gifts and talents unfold through the years. My heart is full to overflowing and I couldn’t be more proud of these wonderful, kind, amazing, strong, independent, loving people who are now my peers & friends. Love you so much, Jason, Kellie, Matthew & John.
Quite often when I see photographs, they remind me of things I’ve read in the Bible. The images make the Bible come more alive for me so I wanted to include a few here.
Isaiah 40:31.But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] Will gain new strength and renew their power; They will lift up their wings [and rise up close to God] like eagles [rising toward the sun]; They will run and not become weary, They will walk and not grow tired.
John 8:12Once more Jesus addressed the crowd. He said, “[a]I am the Light of the world. He who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life.”
Psalm 19:1 The heavens are telling of the glory of God; And the expanse [of heaven] is declaring the work of His hands.
Proverbs 18:10 The name of the Lord is a strong tower; The righteous runs to it and is safe and set on high [far above evil].
James 4:14 Yet you do not know [the least thing] [b]about what may happen in your life tomorrow. [What is secure in your life?] You are merely a vapor [like a puff of smoke or a wisp of steam from a cooking pot] that is visible for a little while and then vanishes [into thin air].
Psalm 100:3 Know and fully recognize with gratitude that the Lord Himself is God; It is He who has made us, [a]not we ourselves [and we are His]. We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
Matthew 10:29 Are not two little sparrows sold for a [a]copper coin? And yet not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will. 30 But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered [for the Father is sovereign and has complete knowledge]. 31 So do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.
Ephesians 6:11-18 Put on the full armor of God [for His precepts are like the splendid armor of a heavily-armed soldier], so that you may be able to [successfully] stand up against all the schemes and the strategies and the deceits of the devil. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood [contending only with physical opponents], but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this [present] darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly (supernatural) places. 13 Therefore, put on the complete armor of God, so that you will be able to [successfully] resist and stand your ground in the evil day [of danger], and having done everything [that the crisis demands], to stand firm [in your place, fully prepared, immovable, victorious]. 14 So stand firm and hold your ground, having [a]tightened the wide band of truth (personal integrity, moral courage) around your waist and having put on the breastplate of righteousness (an upright heart), 15 and having [b]strapped on your feet the gospel of peace in preparation [to face the enemy with firm-footed stability and the readiness produced by the good news]. 16 Above all, lift up the [protective] [c]shield of faith with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God. With all prayer and petition pray [with specific requests] at all times [on every occasion and in every season] in the Spirit, and with this in view, stay alert with all perseverance and petition [interceding in prayer] for all [d]God’s people.
I love tulips & daffodils that burst forth to greet us each Spring. I got to thinking about their perseverance. There they are all winter just waiting until the appointed time. And the weight of the garden dirt packed down on top of them is in itself noteworthy. (Simply as I can describe it, a cubic yard of wet garden soil can weigh 2-3 thousand pounds; those are some odds I’d say……) Why does this intrigue me? My life, your life can at times be weighted down with challenges or odds or just the day to day, right? Like our little bulb friends, there can be obstacles & a lot of waiting. Against insurmountable odds of making their way through the PSI of wet dirt, rocks, bugs, roots, snow & months of their winter season, onward they press & upward they push to reach the top, to appear & bloom just in time to herald the hope of Spring. Let’s keep doing our own pressing on & pushing through to make our way to the surface & do our own blooming, called forth & strengthened by our Creator.
I feel so thankful to have had the privilege to travel to many places in my life. Growing up, my Dad felt it was extremely educational to travel as a family and visit many different countries, which included Europe, Australia, Fiji, New Zealand, Hawaii, and England/Ireland/Scotland. Now, though, I love short trips here & there.
Some of my favorite vacation destinations and adventures as an adult have been: San Diego, Jamaica, Florida, Alaska, Singapore, Puerto Rico, Rochester, Seattle, South Carolina, North Carolina, New York City, Paris, Amish Country and Valley Forge in Pennsylvania, Disneyland & Disney World, Mexico, Chicago, Shasta Lake, Coeur d’Alene, Estes Park, British Columbia, Ocean Isle Beach.
I plan to continue to add many travel adventures to my experiences.
Butchart Gardens, British Columbia
The Butchart Gardens is a 120-year-old world famous 55-acre display garden located in Brentwood Bay, British Columbia. Created by Jennie Butchart, and still privately owned and operated by the family, The Gardens was designated a National Historic Site of Canada, in 2004 for its one hundredth birthday. Doug and I first visited for our first anniversary in 1976. We returned one more time 30 years later and it was still as amazing & beautiful as our first visit. The ferry ride over to the island is swift and invigorating standing on the deck at the railing. There is an old-world magic to the city that takes you back to a simpler time.
Paris, an anniversary trip with Doug, 2009
Doug had done such stellar planning with a travel agent before we left that our trip was scheduled but did not feel overly-busy or exhausting. He had tried to completely surprise me but there was no way to go on a trip like this with only vague packing instructions, so he did end up telling me. We had a lovely, cozy hotel on a cobblestone side street with windows that opened up to the hustle of life and people in Paris, day & night. We were immersed in the culture; we walked to eateries, a lovely bakery each morning for fresh food & drink. We took one amazing excursion day in a small van to the Palace of Versailles and to Notre Dame; it was memorable & beautiful. We walked along the Seine daily, walked to the Louvre and savored room after room, enjoyed lovely gardens, street vendors, and tiny sidewalk cafes with rich, delicious, creamy coffee with designs in the foam and sat on benches to people watch. We walked so much our feet & hips hurt to the bone each night as we plopped into bed with a sigh and satisfaction. We wanted to eek everything out of our few days there. It is a very memorable & special anniversary trip I will long remember.
Las Vegas
Best parts of our trip here was getting to see two Cirque du Soleil shows and walk past the lively fountain at the Bellagio. Amazing, athletic, graceful & strong dancing, artistic talent on full display during the entire long shows, jaw-dropping and worth every second.
Jamaica Vacation, details to come
Singapore Trip2013, details to come
Disneyworld, My last vacation with Doug, 2022, details to come
Pennsylvania Trip, 2022, details to come
Diary of Puerto Rico trip, 2023
Highlights: coconut bread, the feel of family as we observe people, Love is a big part of their culture, “plates” made out of half bamboo for putting tacos in on paper, you can walk around w/alcohol and drive with open containers……
2/7/23 Tues-Long day traveling, 3 flights, 4 hours from Houston(too long) landed at 9pm with 79 degrees and a lovely island breeze; Venezuelan refugee uber driver, so sweet & interesting hearing her life story of a brave escape & building a new life for herself; everyone has been so nice; plump Lupita stewardess so so genuine and nice; held someone’s crying baby on the flight. Lots of poverty, no street signs, laid back feel, construction things are not completed or done with excellence. Singing frogs very very loud that sound like chirping birds sang all night long. Large large leaves and lots of lush greenery everywhere; abandoned houses and bizzes, Valentine pop up booths everywhere. SW decorated well in the airport with big candy heart poster board letters. Free enterprise is everywhere; pop up tent biz for selling bananas, side of the freeway pulled over van selling juice, people pulling wagons of wares to sell, people seem very hard working and resourceful and industrious. But not like the people at an intersection who are begging to wash your windshield.
2/8/23 Wed- got our rental car in San Juan via Uber and drove to the old Fort; wild horses grazing all over on grass; cobblestone streets very narrow, no parking available, left busy San Juan, neon yellow and pink large blossoms, espresso colored sand at one beach, green/blue water that looks like Yellowstone hot chemical pools, ate at our first patio restaurant and enjoyed the sea view, sea breeze, and sea vibe; trailer park coast community made me dream of having an airbnb there; took chairs to the Fajardo beach and enjoyed the evening shade and high winds and basically no people; border and customs guys there checking out something; fishing boat came in; airbnb in a very loud area; lots of stray cats and during the night we thought it was cats yowling but it was a child; thank God for earplugs.
2/9/23 Thur- Woke up at 9am after a long howling night, wind blew and it rained a lot in the night. We are at a 4 unit bldg w/neighbor tourists; AC works great; lots of nearby Walgreens, Burger Kings, American businesses. Pace of life feels very laidback, drivers are terrible, no street signs, almost never any speed limit signs. Maps phone feature kind of works but since there are no street signs or house numbers in many cases, you still do not know where you are going. Kinda funny. Our place has a nice porch and there’s a rooftop patio I could not go all the way up the Giant spiral staircase; I froze. Hope we have no crying wailing baby again tonite.
Saw a group of 10 wild horses. Got stopped behind a funeral procession where a large family WALKED behind the funeral vehicle and there was a GIANT sound system that took up and entire bed of a pick up. Sat at the beach all day in the amphitheater and on the sea wall. The sea air blew on us all day. Watched families and people enjoy it like we did. Ate at an outside delicious place made out of cargo containers stacked on top of each other. Found a Walmart for aloe and coffee. Watched 4 large group of kayakers that disappeared into an ocean tributary and they followed it up to an ocean lake for bioluminescence of a night trip. Dead squashed large iguana with orange innards. “Construction” is done very haphazardly and incompletely here(I’m so used to Doug’s excellence in building & construction quality). Wild dog and cats wandering. Lots of chickens and roosters with a dozen babies, so cute!!! Dive bombing birds; fish that blend in and dart away faster than a wink of an eye. Amazing wind and surf. Crashing and splashing of surf way out by the islands and outer colors of blue/green/dark blue essences of hues. Great people watching. We sat and walked and stood in the ocean for 11 hours today and it only seemed like a couple hours. So relaxing. So uninterrupted. So refreshing to our souls. No need to know what time it is. The people seem to have a handle on pace of life and work/life balance and they radiate a chiller vibe than in the states which brings me down to a calmer level. See this, this is my “I don’t care” face….
2/10/23 – Friday, travelled 2 hrs to Ponce, roadkill are iguana; up thru the mts quite a climb; no lanes, no speed signs, people drive wherever they want; beautiful high mts, it’s hotter in Ponce area; wild horses and cows grains and drier grasses. Found a Firehouse Subs and had a great lunch; checked in at Paul’s outside of Ponce at 4pm; lovely compound at the end of the road w/villas; beautiful and spacious and newly remodeled. Looks like they bought a wrecked piece of property and put a lot into it and now it’s this gorgeous villa. Lizards skitter about; the beach we found here had about 50 mph winds all day; we found it at the end of the road next to a police station with an outdoor flea market feel kind of set up; lots of food trucks and trailers, great little coffee place on one side; pelicans walking all over; dive bombing for fish; Paul’s condo is lovely and spacious and newer feeling; he has a binder of wonderful helpful hints about beaches and eateries; we walked 2 blks to an outdoor one man cook-eatery and Pablo behind the building drinking an open can of Coors washing dishes, furnished w/old office chairs, dump looking throw away items but his cooking/outdoor fire burning oven pizza and tacos were to die for; he started in Argentina, moved to LA and cooked at his “Santini’s” for 30 yrs, came here on vacay and stayed in Paul’s villa and then moved here. Yum. Easy vibe and very very slow pace of life feeding our souls.
2/11/23- Sat— I have lost track of time and what day it is. Sitting at the shore being battered by the high winds feels like when you were a kid and you’d ride in the summer with the car window down and the air would pummel you, only better here cuz you are surrounded by ocean and breeze and salt smell and the continual sound of the ocean. It feels like it’s blowing the dust out of my soul and heart completely to the core. Don’t care about my phone. Will try to do better taking pictures today, I know that’s super important to Kellie. People here make do with what they have and seem grateful to their core. Sense of community here on a big city level. Politeness very very prevalent, except for the crazy driving; People drive at night with no lights on. They tailgate and weave on the roads in a naive kind of way, without the road rage of America feeling.
A little crab across our feet at the beach; beautiful ocean; tons of carp and pelicans; an entire population of people open carrying and behaving themselves; Walmart that had 14 check strands open and we waited in line 30 min to check out on a busy Saturday and people were ALL patient and amazing; one dad even offered to let us go ahead of their family and we said thank you but no with out 4 items. Gas station with a fancy, silver-gold, 10 foot high coffee/espresso maker; amazing coffee for breakfast from non English ladies who were so joyful and kind. Fresh slushies/pina coladas so big and hearty with fresh fruit cut into it and decorated.
2 for $4 …..GIANT avacados literally the size of a kid’s basketball!! Walmarts here sell washer/dryers/paint and tons of amazing produce. Lots of family units; lots of couples holding hands and families spending time together. You can feel & see the Freedom and Capitalism at work. Guy on the beach pulling a wagon making mojitos for you on the spot. People can just start a biz any time, anywhere, it appears. It’s palpable the joy and appreciation of life in the culture here. Watched the Bernie Madoff documentary.
2/12/23 – Sunday – large groups of workers use weed wackers and walk along side the highway for miles and miles. They use baby strollers for their supplies. Everyone layers up so as not to burn we learned the hard way with John getting pretty fried in 10 minutes.
Culture of love and family units. Drove to the ultimate Playa Jungle beach and paid $4 to get in; spent the morning in a beautiful paradise cove w/lots of colorful umbrellas and families just chillin on Sunday; by 1130 we were gone cuz of heat of the day and crowds; took a short hike to find the second cove shore which didn’t exist but there were huge cactus and lots of motor cycle riders in full full gear and mt bike riders enjoying the day. Lots of kayak and loud music action and family time. You can feel the respect as people. There is total open carry which isn’t guns, it’s alcohol; they sell ready mix alcohol drinks everywhere.
Saw a boys 5th bday party at a red picnic table w/fam and surprises w/a bouquet of huge balloons tied to his new electric bike w/training wheels in the 60 mph winds they finally blew away. Speed bumps everywhere. Even out in the sticks and back alleys. Ate at Santini’s again and had the most delicious “mistake” pizza; I had ordered another pepperoni pizza like the first night and got a combo instead and it was fantastic! Sergio and his little waiter guy weren’t busy so we asked them a bunch of questions when we paid for dinner and they were so helpful with info and suggestions and said we can easily find homes for sale for $30-50K and fix up a little bit with no problem; hmmmmm, gets me to thinking…. get a generator and do an airbnb and have passive income. They were so cheery and free with advice! “We will help you, we can help you………”
2/13/23 Monday. Woke up and went for amazing coffee at our place 2 min away. Didn’t feel like beaching it. Talked a lot w/John about investing in property and what I could do for an airbnb and connected place to live myself and have passive income. Giant cement drainage entry and exit to gas stations and you have to go in sideways so you don’t scrape. Our car is getting excellent highway mileage; we’ve driven far and long and back and forth for $20. The only roadkill is lizards!!! John found some PR garden seeds for Randy.
2/14/23 – Tuesday. Leaving Ponce today for Cabo Rojo. Valentine’s Day. Workers in bright red t-shirts and cute hair ties. Exploring the unknown.
Lovely drive to Cabo. Found the Walmart for groceries and there was a DJ right inside the doors dancing and singing and with his uniform on blasting Peter Saterra “you’re the inspiration”! (One of Doug’s & my favorite songs). Ate at an outdoor bar/eatery for dinner; our airbnb is adorable, very homey with live anthurium mini plant on the table right on the beach and up 3 stories; our view is amazing.
2/15/23. Slept well in our new little “Sandy Villa” right on the ocean. On our way to the beach we found a tiny lot w/a lady selling delish coffee…..they know how to make it here. People here love to park backward and forward on the same street; there’s no rules; speed bumps are the norm; roads with no center line, right on the edges of the road! Fast turns and speeders
2/16/23 – Drove up the coast to Rincon where PR boasts of amazing beaches and surfing sites; found the island’s 150 yr old family bakery with cases and cases and cases full of colorful delicious pastries, cakes and donuts; appears to be a favorite w/ex-pats of lots of English speakers in this area; lovely coastal cities and tons of parking and gazebos, Light House, many many eateries, shopped at Walmart before we left; loud surf sitting for hours in our chairs watching amateur surfers take lessons and then try it out; plenty of shade from palm trees; wind and clouds came up so we scurried off the beach just in time to miss being drenched by a heavy storm of rain; discovered an orange and silver giant lizard and watched it eat leaves and drink water off the leaves too; John keeps getting sunburned without even being in the sun; miles and miles of coastline beaches and playgrounds for kiddos; they are very family friendly here; we like the vibe a lot in Rincon; it all keeps getting better as we travel the island and get more west and north. Air bnb is adequate and homey, I am on the hide abed; great A/C; nice porch, nice lighted stairway and doorway hose pad to wash off our feet before coming in; great assigned parking space; no shampoo offered but we picked up a travel bottle. Saw lots of wild horses and cows today. You leave the city busy with cars and traffic and in 5 min you are rural and driving along in a canopy of lush green leaves and bent over trees like an Anne of Green Gables ride; much less hurricane devastation on this side of the island; lots of modern buildings and the road now has lines and a guard rail. Most back roads are only wide enough for 1 1/2 cars and it freaks me out when we come upon a Mack truck or full size vehicles; big Toyota presence here. One would really need a very small car to navigate the tiny passable roads.
2/17/23 – Friday. Drove to Surfer Beach after stopping at Rincomini Bakery of awesomeness with freshly-made breakfast burritos & handmade pastries. Found a wonderful shaded spot, parked our chairs and enjoyed 5 hours of watching 100 people surf. Great people watching. Loads of parking, didn’t have to walk far to get to our hot car. Fed my final bread scraps to 2 lizards skittering on the beach. Beautiful winds and water colors. Lots of families and cute kids learning to boogie board. Stopped back by our fave bakery for iced coffees when we left cuz it was almost 90 degrees. Headed back to our airbnb and watched a movie and some Seinfeld and relaxed and planned our last day in Cabo Rojo tomorrow; then we will head north to the tip of the island, check on some land, and then head to San Juan for our last 2 days.
2/19/23- Left to head to San Juan and had a long long drive. I hate the too-skinny roads that lead to all the beaches!! They are too narrow, the Toyotas and full size trucks are all too wide and we are often in the small ditches or it feels as if we will definitely crash. And then you have the cars that park in the road randomly going both directions; they stop to eat, to drink or to visit. I hate it. Maybe I’m tired today, I don’t know, but crabby is what I am. Long day driving. Found the huge 350-foot-tall, beautiful, bronze Columbus statue that 6 states refused to accept so the town of Aricepo said yes to it and it’s erected way out in the middle on nowhere with a gate around it and you can’t get in!! Found a delicious BBQ place in the middle of nowhere and had a delish lunch. Right on the water; no windows, just open shutters and the sea breeze and birds coming in. Drove off the beaten path to an amazing tidal pool. Huge spraying waves and surf; deep blue colors again.
2/20/23- Walmart outside ice cream stand….mini donuts/amaretto ice cream: John’s Fave. Vanilla with a bag of donuts: My fave. Walked around the beautiful 500 yr old San Juan Fort on the edge of the island; amazing architecture and grounds; families with kites, bicyclists, lots of tourists.
2/21/23- Flying home but feel like I could move here tomorrow & live simply and happily. Grateful to score exit row seats randomly/miraculously for the 4 hr flight from PR to Houston which rocked!! I loved having my laptop for movies to pass the hours. Arrived home in MT to 6 in of fluffy snow and zero degrees in my flip flops. Amazing sights & memories to savor for a lifetime. Just what the doctor ordered for me with complete down time, unplugging, experiencing so many new adventures, and being refreshed to my very core.
I love to write. I feel gifted to notice things, and bring attention to what is just beyond what was said or seen. Lingering on the formalities of a conversation. Waiting for what’s between the lines. Or something just below the surface. Or almost not heard. Or what’s not been said yet. And that is why my blog is called Leaning In. Lingering a bit longer with a person, with a subject, with quiet words. Even with silence. I learned the term “pregnant pause” from a wise boss in Bozeman and it has stuck with me a long time; at first it was quite intimidating, now it is a friend. Being intentional in life, and with people, and with God. All of this brings me deep fulfillment.
Over the years, here & there, things have stuck with me and make me say Hmmmmm. No order, no category, just lots of fascinating snippets & info; hence: Tidbits & Tidings. I love having a listing to just put all of them in one place……….
Statements that aren’t true in my opinion: 1. Time heals all wounds and 2. God won’t give us more than we can handle……Oh yes He will…….so that we cannot steal His Glory and Power for getting thru a situation…..
Never look down on somebody unless you’re helping them up. From Community Bible Church in San Antonio, TX
Bill Johnson quote: I refuse to sacrifice the Goodness of God on the altar of human reasoning so that I have a rationale or cause or excuse or blaming of God or others to parade around when something in my life doesn’t work out……..
Some great, simple nuggets!
I’ve become aware recently of some extremely disgusting & horrific facts about Adrenochrome and the relation to child-sex-trafficking.
Just learned about Pirate Ship last month, started in 2014, a very much cheaper alternative to UPS and USPS……The company was founded by Bjorn Borstelmann and Jameson Morris to simplify the order fulfillment process and give businesses/the public access to cheaper shipping rates.
I love tiny, A-frame wooden lending libraries found randomly in neighborhoods!
Been doing some reading about Chemtrailing lately. Those white stripings in our skies that I used to think were just contrails……not really. Operation Indigo Skyfold is a project with missions to change the weather by strategically placing new cloud layers, for reasons I don’t totally understand yet, still researching. HAARP is another entity for changing weather. President Johnson in 1962 made a speech about this and it was creepy to hear him say, “he who controls the weather controls the world.” Eeeeeek!
Does anyone else love how birds have the ability to project perfectly beautiful tweets & songs with no speaker or microphone, but which can be heard a great, great distance? One lone bird sitting on a fence post or up on some electrical wires seems to be able to catch my attention in an instant as I drive by or sit outside enjoying the freshness. How do they do it? How did God create them for such far-reaching songs for us humans to enjoy?? This makes me think of the Bible stories and how Jesus was able to project without a microphone or sound system to thousands of people sitting by the Sea of Galilee or in the fields listening to him preach. How did his voice carry far and wide so all could hear the Good News without a sound system??
The Lord knows when the hour of our end will be. We do not need to fear.
Let’s agree to disagree agreeably.
Integrity is who we are when no one is looking.
In a world where you can be anything, Be Kind.
What kind of a Legacy am I leaving?
You’re probably going to laugh about it later, so why not laugh about it now?
Live life intentionally. Have no regrets.
Aspartame makes my kidneys ache so I avoid it now.
Excellence is important to me. Not perfection, but excellence. I have tried to live well & love well. I want to age well and also live fully & intentionally well with the time I have left.
Fat (healthy fat) isn’t what makes us fat.
Recently learning it’s not so good to use plastic cutting boards; tiny plastic particles are cut with each slice we make and can end up in your foods and end up wreaking havoc in your body. Trying to reduce using plastic when and where I can. One step at a time to use less of it.
I’m interested in the “why” behind the “what”
I like the statement: “Tell me more……”
Sometimes in life with our day to day responsibilities & our obligations, we can get caught up in the treadmill of life, with our heads down and our gaze at our steps. But be encouraged by Psalm 121: I will lift up my eyes to the hills — From where shall my help come? My help comes from the LORD, Who made heaven and earth. Let’s lift our head today. The small movement of posture can change so much about our perspective.
Important to move more and keep moving as I age; motion is lotion for my joints.
I believe that God has wired us to feel significant, to have life-purpose, and to be “seen.” Significance matters, encouraging & affirming others matters. “I see you. I hear you” is palpable when some other human really “gets you.” I am also aware that God has wired us to know that someone else is committed to loving us unconditionally. Lastly, the feeling of belonging brings such comfort & security. What gifts these 3 things can be in our lives.
Random, Silly Observation: Different cities, different climates I’ve experienced can do a number on my hair. Texas humidity & Puerto Rico are the only places so far that make my hair crazy frizzed out, unmanageable and wild. No product so far eliminates the frizz!
Fun ideas for grandparents: Go to Walmart the day after Halloween and buy fun dress up costumes for your grands at a very discounted rate.
Charcoal toothpaste and/or toothbrushes are kinda cool to switch off with your regular brush or toothpaste in a year.
I’ve learned to appreciate “pregnant pauses” which I first experienced in the workplace with a great boss in Bozeman.
Screen time over-usage is re-wiring our brains, to our detriment! I’m trying to do less of it over time.
Cloud Seeding intrigues me.
We don’t know what we don’t know.
I want my life to be beautifully framed with these four sides: Thankful, Grateful, Blessed, Prayerful
A great way to cool oneself down, roll the tongue like a cannoli and take SLOW, long breaths in and out. Amazing cooling effect. Learned it in yoga.
Everyone has a story. It always makes me curious to know more, what is below the surface of my first introduction to people. How did they get where they are? Old buildings also have this draw for me; historical places, cobblestone roads, old cabins….who lived there? What was their story?
Helychrysium, an essential oil in a carrier oil has the most amazing healing properties. From personal success, I highly recommend for open wounds, some warts, stitches recovery, and the scar healing process. Weleda Skin Food (green tube) is epic for burns.
I also like the statement: “What can I do for you today?”
YHWH #yahweh #yhwh #GOD #love #athiest #fyp #fypシ ………I LOVE this video and tattoo. It is beyond cool. The meaning of it resonates deeply with me. When I imagine Doug’s last breath on earth, he was calling out God’s Name. We all speak God’s Name with our every breath!!
Cancer loves sugar.
I try to recognize and avoid the ‘tyranny of the urgent’ in my life and not cave to that pressure if possible.
There sure are a lot of fitness trainers out there to hire. Be sure to find one who doesn’t fat or food shame, and who may go against popular mainstream workouts and being considered in shape. Unsustainable in my view. Shout out to Kayla in Bozeman. She’d tell me to “Trust the Process” and I did and she was right. Shout out to Miranda, I owe you a finder’s fee for the Kayla referral!
Snake Plants are amazing room detoxifiers.
I think having a grateful attitude makes me more aware of grateful things and totally resets my hours and days for a fuller, richer life. (As a person thinks in their heart, so it is, Proverbs 23:7). STAY IN JOY to keep up your vibration/frequency/life force. We are dynamic, energetic beings in human bodies. Negativity affects us! I have also observed that choosing gratitude removes a bit of the sting of an awful thing and helps me dwell less on the injustice or the horrible event or the actions/words of a mean person.
SHOUT OUT to the inventors of ziplock bags (Steven Ausnit) and sticky notes (Dr. Spencer Silver, a 3M scientist).
It’s okay to say “no” to someone’s ask.
Cinnamon/Clove essential oil combo is an amazing way to subtly freshen up any space.
Put a bar of Irish Spring soap in some panty hose by your flowers so that deer won’t EAT the lovelies.
Dandelions are amazing plants, I’ve recently learned. Often considered pesky weeds and the target of Round Up kill-fests in neighborhoods all over America, dandelions boast of many health benefits and have been used in teas and helpful home remedies for a long long time. I’ve read of at least 13 beneficial side effects of dandelions. Check it out.
Everyone we meet is fighting a battle we know nothing about. Be kind. Always.
Planes were built to flex, planes were built to flex….. Turbulence is normal, turbulence is normal…….(I have to remind myself every time I fly!)
I love the Everlasting-ness of God that speaks loudly but so lovingly & tenderly to me at the beach. The surf is like a stuck-on-“play”, repeated, never-ending, rock solid, unrelenting reminder of His Love for my soul that He is always there. Always moving toward me, always ebbing & flowing, always approaching me, never shy but never too much, never coming with too much force. In my life He is the only thing that is constant & secure & dependable day to day, with so much that changes each day around me. The surf is amazing, no two waves the same, just like no two sunrises or sunsets ever the same, and yet remarkably, stunningly beautiful. Just like no two people the same. The surf brings in treasures with each roll & crash & glide upon the sand. Quietly it just deposits it there. Just as God daily brings me treasures; morsels of beauty, snippets of Truth, bits & pieces that reveal Him to me (so individual, so tailor-made). His surf, His sands, His beach hold such gems that remind me of His Everlasting-ness and highlight His Love.
My first memory of grief was when I was 14 yrs old and my sister died suddenly in 1971. My recollection of it was primarily silence and zero family discussions about it. We just went on. Moving along through the next several decades, a young cousin, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, brother-in-law, and then my parents died. My most recent and most deeply personal grief is the death of my husband after 56 years of knowing him, meeting in grade school, dating throughout high school, and being married for almost 47 years (he went to Heaven shockingly and suddenly 3 days before our 47th anniversary). I wanted this process to be much different, more shared, and interactive with those dear to me than that as a child of 14. And it has been.
With a rich, deep reservoir like the Hoover Dam of family & friends, I embarked upon a journey that has forever changed me. There will never be a going back to normal; sudden loss changes everything. Forever. As we all know, there is no owner’s manual about grief. There is some good info out there but none of it prepares you for the actual, personal event. Realize there can be a temporary season of short-term memory lapses and there can be some temporary lethargy; these are normal responses to the processing of this overwhelming new information. And the waves of tearful emotion or a memory that give no warning to their arrival that demand all your attention as you are carried away to some event or precious remembrance, sometimes at the most inopportune moments. With graciousness I have gladly learned to just roll with it, take note of it, feel it all in the moment, let it pass as it does, and be grateful that deep sadness is in my opinion linked with deep love.
Two years of “firsts” coming up here May 14th. There are fewer & fewer of them and they can take you off guard and get stuck like a fish bone in your throat! First anniversaries, first holidays, first travels alone, first realizations we will never hold hands again or laugh together, first hours & days of complete silence and the absence of Doug in my immediate world, first time in my entire life of living alone (I went from my parents home, married at 18, and lived with Doug for 47 years so I never had the experience of being on my own), first days & nights without Doug, first gaping missing the personality of someone you know so well & the quiet companionship forged over 50 years, first times hearing myself say out loud that Doug was dead when having to communicate with people or businesses and the echo that I heard when speaking those words, first time asking for a table for one, first time deciding completely what I wanted to do and realizing the buck now stopped with me, making all adult decisions first time without negotiating, compromising, or having to edit thoughts or plans…… a mountain of firsts in my life for so many routine things in my days. I am so grateful for God’s gift of mental & emotional shock because it enables you to function in the immediate things without completely melting in the reality of the event. God is so gracious to insulate us and cocoon us in His Love & loving people to continue living & doing what needs done because Life does not slow down or stop, even though it feels like your life has stopped with the sudden news, the ultimate oxymoron. It’s like your cognition is altered and you hear in a vacuum and you’re trying to think it or will it back to normal hearing; there’s an echo to it. It’s a straining kind of disbelief with a delayed ability to process things you’re thinking and hearing.
Yes, there was complete shock, disbelief & surreal-ness, but there was a strong parallel train track of overwhelming Peace & Comfort as well. There was such gigantic hope & gratitude within me that I knew where Doug was and the joy that he no longer lived in pain or had a prolonged illness. That tenant of my faith & beliefs was daily massaging my raw pain and always outpacing it. God so, so, so swaddled me with my kids & their immediate, constant assistance, my friends, my Faith, His overwhelming Presence that I did not lack for complete support beyond my wildest imaginations. I had Bethel or Hillsong playing round the clock in my home for months. I rarely felt alone. I rarely felt the sting of what was staring me in the face. So much strength, so much caring, so much fullness in relationships. I’ll be forever grateful to my kids & their families who adjusted their lives in faraway cities to drop everything and make me and my welfare their top priority, while experiencing their own devastating loss themselves, and doing their own grieving & processing. Also to my work team and bosses that rallied to pick up my slack when I needed immediate time off. And to friends close & far who gently & seamlessly slipped in to be present, to share silent moments, to envelop me in a secure hug, to just do some kind things instead of asking me what I needed. There are already too many decisions crowding one’s head when sudden loss busts through the front door like a battering ram and catches you off guard, so to be asked what do you need is fundamentally too much to even think about how to answer sometimes, but to just decide to bring me lunch or come sit for a bit was a huge blessing.
About 9 months before Doug’s Homegoing we began having conversations about death & dying and what we wanted that to look like. It is a lot of information & detail to gather and put in one place. It can feel overwhelming and you don’t want to do it. We had to take it in small bites and not expect ourselves to finish it in one session of discussions. We chose humor, joking about who would go first and advice we had for each other, suggesting possible scenarios, and bantering about the limited scope of death in general. We had to really think about questions like: do I want a DNR in place, do I want to be an organ donor, how extreme of life-saving measures do we want to allow, for instance, long term care, what about hospice, power of attorney, to name a few. We both agreed on the wish to die quickly if we had a vote. (Doug got his wish.). We had to encourage each other a lot during this process; check in, ask where we were with our list, and set some loose deadlines for completion. I could not be more thankful that we followed those nudges to purposely plan dying details well, as we tried to plan living details well. If you have not had these kind of conversations I highly highly recommend it. There’s already such an avalanche of tasks & details to attend to, that having at least this giant one in place greatly reduces the tsunami waters that crash upon you with your back turned. At least start somewhere and build your completed lists, credit card names, retail accounts, passwords, company names, apps, online billing, etc. etc. This piece of advice became one of my largest take-aways when chatting with friends & fam to do yourself a big, fat favor and be proactive, systematic & intentional with the hard topics. There are online options for living trusts or wills or hire a lawyer, just do it, it’s important! I can’t stress it enough.
Kudos to you if you already have healthy, daily life habits, that is such a bonus in being cold-plunged into sudden loss & grief. If you don’t, start today with something beneficial to better your physical/emotional/mental health. Regular exercise, eating well, staying hydrated, faith practices, scheduled massages, walking, stretching, meditating, purposeful breathing; any and all self-care (which is not selfish! it’s an investment in your best self) habits that benefit you happen to become even more important with suddenly being plunked down onto the loss/trauma/grief highway. Much harder to catch your breath with a sudden crisis, than to continue on in some established safeties when the wind is knocked out of you. That’s not the time to “get ready”…. It’s best to “be ready!”
There was one thing I had to ask for from my kids in those early days of loss: when calling no matter what time of day or night, please start your voice message or the beginning of the call with, “Mom, everything’s ok, nothing is wrong.” That request minimized some additional trauma moments, brought me a layer of peace, lasted several months and is no longer a heart-stabbing, hesitant reaction to the phone ringing.
I decided this early on: we’ve lived and loved well and I wanted to grieve well too. Not waste my sorrows.
I’m so thankful Doug and I were current; we weren’t at odds. He had travelled to California to do a project build for his nephew and planned to return in a few weeks. There weren’t unkind words spoken and not resolved; there were no “let’s talk about that when you’re back here in 3 weeks”, etc, etc. We had written notes on the bathroom mirror in the steam. I had written him sticky notes of “love you a latte” and “drink up and count your blessings,” and left them by the coffee maker for him, as well as one about “May the Lord bless and keep you and make his face to shine upon you” in the month or so before he left; he usually crumpled them up and tossed them after a few days, but those he left up and were still on the microwave door and coffee maker when the late night call came…….I find that interesting now looking back. I also noticed later that he had put things away he usually left out ready to use. He had packed up some things into the garage attic area that should have just been stored inside as they had always been. It was unusual. In a way, it was like he was cleaning up, he was prepping in a way, he had an unspoken sense that wasn’t coming back to Montana, but neither he nor I yet knew that quite.
None of us is promised another day and I know it can sound kinda cliche-ish but I do think there’s wisdom in adopting a mindset about living today to the fullest, as if it’s your last. What would you do differently if you knew you only had 24 hours, how would you be more intentional about making the most of the time you have? Who would you forgive right now to make sure it was completed before your days were up? How would you streamline your life in such a way to prioritize the really important, eternal matters at hand to be able to give your most and your all to living in the moment, more attuned to God’s purposes for us and people who need our love & care instead of putting off a connection or a word of encouragement or a visit with another human. Who or what would you give more time to because there’s value there, instead of the incidentals that can distract us or take us down a road that is a dead end? So much of the dum stuff we can get bogged down by can somehow be eliminated in the face of the important stuff regarding people & relationships. For me it’s been very worth it in the past few years to adopt more of that kind of thinking.
A friend gave me the book, “Imagine Heaven” a few months after Doug’s Graduation. It is an amazing book full of stories and scientific evidence and personal encounters with people from all over the world who have had a glimpse of heaven and lived to tell about it. It expanded my small box of the ideas I had about the hereafter and has brought me so much more joy than the joy I already had for Doug, being a smidge jealous that he got to go first. I highly recommend reading it.
I want to honor Doug’s life by incorporating some of his attributes that I admired: laughing more, being more adventurous and taking more risks, and his big faith to pray big prayers (he was a quiet man a lot of the time but had the courage to boldly ask God for big things); I learned those from him and want to get better at it with the time I have left.
The “in-betweens” were part of my new days alone. Heading one way, abruptly stopped by a detour; a new workaround, a new fork in the road. Learning to embrace those with gratitude instead of only feeling the sharp, obvious curve in the road took time to navigate. Not yet arrived at the “new” but certainly no longer in the “was.”
Observation: April 2024……recent travel felt different; I didn’t feel so semi-lost, overstimulated by airport noise, people and overhead announcements and having to severely focus on my gate, my next step, my surroundings, etc on this trip. I had gotten used to traveling with Doug and having him be so aware of our gate, timing and directions, that I easily deferred to his strong, excellent leadership in getting us where we were always going with ease. I felt a new confidence this trip in my own leadership. I felt some growth that hadn’t been blatantly on my radar screen until being in the moment of these plans, flights, connections, personal safety and situational awareness. Seeing older men in plaid colorful shirts (some of you may or may not know that Doug loved plaid shirts and literally had 50+ of them in his closet when he died! That inventory has provided material for 7 beautiful quilts and some aprons with the wonderful memory of Doug & his horde of shirts!!) that always remind me of Doug didn’t catch like a chicken bone in my throat this time; seeing older couples travel together or share a laugh or eat together felt more peaceful than bittersweet this time; the longing to relive those times we had shared doing those things is no longer like when you poke yourself slicing a tomato; some of the sting is gone of doing this alone; I have had another year of doing “firsts” and not really paying attention to them as life plods or speeds along, but then I come upon the fact that I say, “Table for One” to a hostess and it doesn’t carry the bite of my missing spouse, or the bittersweet anymore, as it did a year or two ago. I feel gently stronger and more gradually independent which feels surprisingly good and helps me realize I’ve grown, I’m doing this, I don’t hate it, it’s not as bittersweet with mostly sad moments anymore, but it has much more natural, sweet gratitude instead of the choosing of the gratitude; it feels so very good. I still at times wish it were different and my lifelong companion was right there with me, but it isn’t and I am more okay with it today than I was or that I imagined I would be.
I’m definitely on the downhill side of my years. The sand in my hourglass is funneling through quite quickly toward the end of my allotment…….Build a Legacy. Live life intentionally. Have no regrets. This sentiment can also perhaps become “cliche-ish” as well. But it’s taken on renewed meaning for me, like the phrase I mentioned earlier about none of us being promised another day. In the passing of years, when I’ve heard of a death, not even necessarily of someone close to me, it always has served as a reminder to make that call, keep short accounts & not hold grudges, take time to give that hug or kiss to a loved one, not leave the house without acknowledging family, and just be more mindful of taking the opportunities to love our loved ones in meaningful & tangible ways, right? I still think that way, but even more so now. It’s so much more personal and real. Sure does instantly put things into perspective about the stuff that matters, even though it feels like there’s some mental confusion or overload to swim through. It’s like the stupid stuff that maybe mattered a month ago is so dum and insignificant now, who cares!! Life is so short and precious. Sudden loss clarifies things instantly in some ways regarding the lasting things like people & relationships, not gee I wish I would’ve worked more or had a bigger bank account. I’m super thankful Doug & I were purposing to be more aware of our days, our texts, calls or emails with our kids, or deciding to take a trip and say yes to gatherings and meet ups as much as possible. No regrets. I will always cherish that united pursuit as a gift from God to us. That would feel awful to be battered mentally & emotionally by things left unsaid, opportunities not seized upon, and easy forgivenesses for offenses. As much as I feel the importance of death planning is, having no regrets is right up there at the top of the list. We are not guaranteed another day. Make the most of this one.
Those first few days after Doug’s departure to Heaven, I needed the quiet to sort my thoughts and maybe to feel I had one tiny bit of control over what was unfolding, whether that was true or not. The temporary layer of stillness was restorative to my soul. But at the same time, the comfort of the daily flow with my “person” had now been forever interrupted; there was a learned rhythm to the companionship of another with so many shared years & experiences and the comfort that it brought, that to which I had become so accustomed. Now there was no extra tv noise when I didn’t have it on; no extra people-noises of walking, movements, opening drawers, cupboards and fridge and just living done by another; with life so busy, so constant and we have to adjust to so much unavoidable noise and bustle that it was nice to be the only author of noise for a bit in my little world. And yet so equally, I did miss Doug’s quiet routines with giant awareness that it had forever been quashed in an instant. My soul was momentarily soaking in the quiet for navigating the crisis all the while realizing moment by moment, hour by hour that I might detest that quiet from time to time; there was fresh reminders around every corner that Doug would not be coming back in this space of my life and filling it with his laughter, his daily movements & rhythms and presence any more. I was longing for some of that expected, predictable happenings. He was indeed a big presence whether his physical body or his laughter, so the gap is “XXL” like he was. As Kellie says, “our #6 is missing”. My daily routines were reforming and a new path emerging. And all of that takes time to recognize, experience, accept, adjust to, and gain confidence in taking the hand of God, take a deep breath, and choose to move forward with the brand new Companion of these unchartered waters.
God, Doug, My kids & their families, Grandkids, Being interested & involved in my grandkids’ lives & happenings, Family, Kindred-Spirit Friends, Gratitude, Hot Air Balloons, Hummingbirds, old wooden doors, beauty in Nature, beautiful things, wildflowers, crisp Nature photos, sunflowers, weathered shacks, Encouragement, the wood stove smell, Fall foliage, the smell of cedar, the smell of a campfire, quiet things, children giggling, the surf, Kindness, Patriotism, bulletproof coffee, star gazing, birds flying in a V, 70’s easy rock like Steely Dan/Doobie Brothers/The Eagles/Fleetwood Mac, Old Hymns like “It is Well With My Soul,” “Great Is Thy Faithfulness,” and “The Old Rugged Cross”, the smell of fresh bread, Prayer, Thankful quotes, seeing beyond what’s seen, hearing beyond what’s initially heard, The Military, First Responders & Vets, meaningful human connection, spunky hugs, alliterations, laughter, cigar smoke, babies cooing and learning to laugh, Hillsong and Bethel Worship, the glaring polite vibe in some southern & southeastern states, Communion, Stacking Stones, greeting cards, English tea gardens, Peace, America The Beautiful & The Star Spangled Banner sung by a military choir…
