Leaning In

In the past year I’ve learned so much about this subject that is horrendous, heart-wrenching, evil, scary, beyond prevalent, covered up, and has deep spiritual roots. I remember the milk cartons & the posters in the 80’s and the stories of missing and stolen children. More recently, the stories of selling of baby parts, human slavery, the documentaries, the Amber alerts, hearing about victims of the man with the island & their horror stories of sex trafficking, Hollywood parties & music industry people involved in crazy parties & abuse of underage kids, and the crisis at the border with unaccompanied minors that seemingly vanished ( purportedly 325,000 kiddos but probably way more). I have been uneducated, “asleep”& naive. It seemed to me over a few decades as I look back now on these topics that they were unrelated bits & pieces, reading stories, hearing the news. Yet these awful events had not yet gelled in my mind as all part of the hellish & diabolical plan to torture, harvest & sacrifice babies & children, our most innocent & precious human beings in addition to abuse & sexual assault of girls & women. It is a bit overwhelming to learn about & realize the truths behind it though …… the blood lust, the disregard for human life…… It is sobering and leaves me speechless & sick to my stomach. I am so grateful to brave women & men, our military, and organizations committed to rescuing these precious ones. My heart & mind are still being opened to this large subject & the global scope of the wicked facts about it. But as I’m still learning I felt I had to acknowledge it here. It is coming to a head. People are being revealed of their part in it. Hollywood, the rich & powerful, the global elites, people in our government & world leaders are being exposed.
Lord, protect the suffering children & have mercy on us as a nation & world.

Psalms 139:17-18 Amplified Bible (AMP)…..”How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I could count them, they would outnumber the sand. When I awake, I am still with You.”

What??? It seems unfathomable to me to calculate the grains of sand and apply it here, but there is a group of people that did an experiment. Jochem Hendricks, along with twelve assistants, spent one thousand hours counting 3,281,579 grains in one cup of sand! In just one cup!!!!

Does this blow your mind like it does mine?? How much God cares about us……grains of sand…God cares so much for us, for me…Let’s pause and hover here a minute and let that sink in & settle.

I know the Plans I have for you, thoughts I have for you (Jeremiah 29:11).

I have recently replaced table salt with Celtic Salt because of the amazing amount of minerals found therein; at first I switched to Himalayan but have since switched again because the Celtic has more Magnesium than the Himalayan and is therefore better for me;  but how often are we told by dr’s that if we have high BP we need to stop the salt?!!!  Bad advice in my opinion, very unscientific actually; I am learning we are not only being misinformed about the food pyramid, but also about salt & heart health & BP; and therefore, the medicines being offloaded on so many of us;(check out a basic A&P book about the 4 vital elements needed for life);  we desperately need the minerals found in the “good salt”…..92 or so minerals that have been bleached out of table salt.  Our bodies were created to need it the way it’s found in Nature.

Fun fact:  During the war in the Navy they used to transfuse with sea water because it’s very quickly changed to blood!

The term “Covenant Salt,” is indicative of the everlasting nature of the Covenant relationship between the children of God and their Creator. Entering into a Covenant of Salt means binding oneself to another in utmost loyalty and truthfulness. Also, permanence, loyalty, durability, usefulness, purification, and value….. As salt was regarded as a necessary ingredient of the daily food, and so of all sacrifices offered to God (Lev 2:13), it became an easy step to the very close connection between salt and covenant-making. When people ate together they became friends…. the Arabic expressions, “There is salt between us”; “He has eaten of my salt,” which means partaking of hospitality which cemented friendship; “eat the salt of the palace” (Ezra 4:14). Covenants were generally confirmed by sacrificial meals and salt was always present. Since, too, salt is a preservative, it would easily become symbolic of an enduring covenant. So offerings to God were to be by a statute forever, “a covenant of salt for ever before the Lord” (Num 18:19). David received his kingdom forever from the Lord by a “covenant of salt” (2 Chron 13:5). In the light of these conceptions the remark of Our Lord becomes the more significant: “Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with one another (Mark 9:49-50)”

“Salt of the earth” people…….very good, honest, and reasonable, and not thinking you are special in any way; very friendly and straightforward. That’s how I want to be.

We as Christ Followers are called Salt. Both too much and not enough are bad. Shake us out, Lord.

I’m not sure why so deeply I relish the fact that there seems to be a swear word in the Bible. I only heard this taught and the word used in church about 8 yrs ago.  The polite side of my Christianity would probably not have entertained or appreciated this word from the Bible 10-20 years ago or as a new Christ follower in the 70’s; my theology was rather small-minded, and altho sincere and eager, I did not have the perspective I have now, after many decades of living life, embracing sucky situations in my life, and realizing this is a big category ……skubalon ……that has lots of subsections; (I am certain as you read this that you could add many of your own items to the list I have touched upon)……..having other people’s stuff land on me & bring pain & sorrow that I did not ask for, enduring the rain that falls on all of us in this life, injustice, being misunderstood, decades in organized religion and expected, falsely-respectful behavior toward some leadership no matter what (that is unwarranted and misplaced at times), loss, heart break, disappointment, accidents, health crises, and hard times, along with some really, really tough seasons of life that might more healthily be processed if we were willing to bring the hard topics to the table and be supported to talk about it, put it out in the open, and not shy away from it. I am thankful I have gained some perspective and wisdom. I have so much more to learn. Let’s be honest, a lot of times life is like hugging a cactus!!….I love how the Bible includes what I consider a cuss word……”refuse, dung, skubalon, @#$%”……. unmentionable in some churches and/or with some people, but not in the Bible. God is raw, real, and honest. I wish more of the church would bravely embrace this concept.  Let’s stop sugar-coating the hard stuff, let’s meet it more head on, shall we?? I believe we would find more strength, more relateability, more commonality with other humans, and dare I say healing to our bodies & minds if we were willing to be a titch more approachable when someone gets vulnerable with us (or we get more vulnerable with another trusted & approachable human) and realizes they are not alone, along with us living more raw & real in life so that people see we all struggle with similar things, and can draw strength from each other as we “do life” together.

It’s okay to not be okay all the time. It’s okay to not be “fine” all the time & to be honest enough to admit it. Life can be very hard at times & there will be skubalon in our day to day sometimes but let’s do ourselves and others a favor & be a bit more raw & real about that instead of being fake and proclaiming how fine we are because we think we’re less than or don’t have enough faith or that we’ve done something wrong to have the negatives in our life.

[In Philippians 3:8, Paul uses the word σκύβαλον (skubalon), which is usually translated as “dung” , “garbage”, “!@#$”, or “rubbish”. Thanks, Paul for being raw & real in your writings!! ]

The harbor is teeming with Life……baby whales, gigantic eagles screeching and killing their prey, kingfishers diving for fresh tiny silver fish and eating them on the railing heading down to the commuter boat, pulsating jellyfish, harbor seals, baby eagles learning to hunt and fly, the tidal ins and outs marked on the very tall wooden telephone posts by increments of 10’s, the gentle rocking of the boat due to other boats coming in to dock, the sound and echo of the fog horns in the Narrows, the other live-aboard boat people, the 4-wheeler of Craig (harbor manager) riding around doing tasks & keeping his eye on everything, the extremely steep ramp when the tide is in and what a workout it is to climb it up in the morning (yikes!!), and when the ramp is that steep it reveals the large orange and purple starfish along with the babies the size of dimes clinging to the telephone poles that anchor the ramp and docks, the high-pitched warbly-turkey-like-gobble-stunted-almost stutter-noise the eagles make when sitting in the tree tops it’s incredible, I’ve learned to know their sound now, the starting up and shutting down of the float planes docked here at the harbor, the whir of the engine of the huge hoist that takes in and puts back boats for dry dock…..so much Life to behold.  

Waiting out a 5 day rain storm with fog that prohibits safe passage to the property……just brings lots of things to a halt.

When the fog hugs the mountains near the harbor and wisps in and out of the curves, it’s quite beautiful. When it is clear, around 11pm, the Alaska night sky is beyond close with twinkling, diamond stars and no city pollution to interrupt the stark darkness. I feel like I could reach our the window and touch them. Stays light right now til about 10pm and starts getting light again around 4am, but it is not disturbing my sleep patterns.

The small city is teeming with Life also……..the 5 cruise ships arriving and departing each week and the buses taking the people on excursions, the dozens of float planes a day that take off and land, the delish coffee at Blair’s tiny, drive-thru shack, yum; tourists walking the sidewalks with smiles and awe of the beauty, lots of umbrellas and ponchos to see on them on rainy days, recognizing some of the locals walking to work or their cars that are now familiar to me.

The boat ride to the property is lovely and peaceful, only about 25 min on the Olympic (John’s commuter boat to & from property) now, so much quicker than friend, Judah’s boat afforded; that was a 2 hour boat ride. I love the open sea, I don’t get queasy or feel crooked which is a blessing. Sometimes when I am not in a boat or on the water, I feel like I’m bobbing as if I am on a boat; it’s weird. I’m learning about boat safety, driving, what to look for, where to drive to avoid reefs and rocks, and also the docking process.

Have learned about Shammies in lieu of towels for drying off after showers, they are amazing.

John “found” a washed up giant dock and was able to harvest huge timbers that will be used for the addition floor, about $1000 worth of lumber.

I couldn’t wait to get here to experience the solitude and the quieter pace of life and it’s been 98% mostly great; just at moments it feels removed from all I know and too much, but I know this is just the wobbly “middle” of the transition, and I will choose joy and gratitude to keep up my resonance with positive, faith filled thoughts and vibes, and not fall prey to the dark side wanting to bring me down and focus on what’s not finished yet, the fear of the unknown, and how I feel unsettled.  I know Who holds my days, and is my Anchor, and I want to lean into this new uncertainty and enjoy the waves and the ride and not complain and not wish it away.  I want to leave a legacy of Gratitude. I have to give myself the kindness I’d give others and remember that I will mount up with wings as eagles; I will run and not grow weary, I will walk and will not faint. Plus, God has given me scores of living examples of that Truth all around me; the kingfisher that dive bomb for the small silver fish and always come up with a mouthful of a meal, the orcas that kill the sea lions in the open ocean and feast, and the majestic eagles that fly overhead here all the time are a constant reminder of His Goodness; they just live and find food and fly on the air currents.  They don’t stress or grow weary or worry about where their next feast will come from.  So I need to take heed of the mighty eagles down to the smallest of birds that never faint for lack of sustenance!!

Sleeping on the Olympic in a 3×6 ft area on the floor for a bit is cozy and just wide enough to turn from side to side and stay up off the damp boat floor after 5 days of Noah-type rains.  When the rain stopped and the fog lifted, all the culverts and hillsides are again gushing water and I never tire of that sound.  I enjoy the bobbing of the boat in the harbor, it’s pleasant to me. 

The approach up to the Trapper Cabin is beyond STEEP, I feel like it’s literally a mountain goat trail; there are natural, strong, exposed root lengths to grab onto in some places, other steps there’s nothing; it’s a big challenge.  I feel thankful I put in the time over the past 3 yrs to lift weights, do lots of squats and lunges, and get strong in my core or else I would really struggle getting up the bank more than I already do! John pick-axed a second way up that winds up the mountain on a deer trail much more gradually, but at the moment it is still a bit crowded with overhanging branches; along the way he discovered we have wild blueberries and red huckleberries. So much bounty. It’s a new practice for me to be scanning the shore and the area for bears upon arriving at the property, and to be ready just in case I need to take action. Trapper Cabin is cozy and holds the heat well and my bunk is very comfortable there.

Wifi is very spotty in most of town; pretty decent at the harbor marina.  So far it’s the best at the Pilot House coffee bar. We got new phones with much better service; a friend gave John his Star Link set up which will be used at the property.

I’m wanting a she-shed at the marina on pontoons as an in-town place to be when I don’t want to be at the property; bars on the windows, easy and simple and quaint……I chatted w/John about it and we talked about options; Craig would give us any throw away boat we wanted, we could power wash it, gut it all, keep the fiberglass hull and cabin of course, and ass brand new amenities.  That appeals to me: I’d like to side the outside w/lumber milled on the property.  It makes me feel hopeful to dream about it, to think about what I’d want and to put in sweat equity to make it happen.  For so inexpensive.  Making it airtight and fresh and new; foam in most of the windows so it’s more private and much much less to heat. A little houseboat of sorts.

I am noticing how much the weather and fog and rain delay any and all progress here. The fog that is as thick as pea soup or seas that have 10 foot swells are just not a good combination for safe passage, so we switch to the rainy day projects. Gotta be flexible around here.

I wasn’t sure I’d ever smell anything worse than the meat shop smell in Montana with blood guts and gore or the rotting, gangrenous-shot-holes on animals we sometimes took in from hunters, but the muscles, seaweed and barnacles that are power washed off the boats [just taken out of the ocean for repair or to sit in dry dock] and left to rot near the platform that leads down to the dock now takes first place with the nastiness and the gag feeling. The ravens are happy as clams when that happens, and you just learn to breathe through your mouth and walk more quickly.

I’ve had the most unexpected surprise open up to me. A 24-foot sailboat that is so clean it’s a shock since it’s been sitting in dry dock since Spring. I decided to buy it for my in-town tiny home which will require zero sweat equity (like wanting to remodel one of the abandoned boats in the boatyard). Disinfected and washed down all the inside walls and she feels so fresh and new. She just needs some sanding on the teak kitchen table and the entrance door. The royal blue cushions that look custom made are in fabulous shape, super comfortable, and just needed a scrub down and some time airing out in the sun. When Craig has room and time, she will be plopped in the water and tied up to the dock. Guess what rent is per month? $100. Oh my goodness, I feel beyond blessed & thankful. Never ever thought this would be part of my new season, but I couldn’t be happier about it. I hung an American Flag up near her sails and I love how it wafts in the breeze.

5 minutes from the marina is Refuge Cove, a lovely & spacious beach with tide pools & shade, picnic tables, lots of beach area, lots of washed-up logs for leaning against or sitting on, bathroom, gazebos and grills. It’s become our go-to place for a quick time of R&R, morning or evening; great vantage point for watching the ferries, the cruise ships, and local fishing boat traffic, not to mention the sea life. The “sand” is crushed, black shale and very sharp. There is a “white sand beach” 30 minutes away that I hear is epic and looks like Jamaica.

Harbor Life is quite a culture all its own, rich with sights, sounds, smells…… all the vessels, big & small: wooden/metal/fiberglass, the commercial fishing boats, the skiffs and boats of all shapes & sizes; there are beautiful ones, abandoned ones, works in progress, diamonds in the rough, dry-docked ones being sanded, painted, or maintenanced.  Names like Last Lite, Melissa C, Wild West, Lady Ann, Transition, Compadre, Sweet Thursday, Shekinah, Little Toot, Patsy, New Day, Saginaw, NorVak, Marsha Ann, Justice, Just One More…..makes me wonder the story behind the names.  There are nice fancy boats and smaller treasures like my mini sailboat. I’m beyond amazed & grateful for the gift of the harbor home God has surprised me with. I have decided to name my boat Megatron; it used to be my work nickname in Bozeman when we had a team name called the Justice League; I have thought a lot about the name, not wanting to reveal I’m a single woman living there; I leaned toward sweet names like Gram, or names to reflect my faith, or grateful tributes, but kept coming back to Megatron which I feel is wise to give myself a bit of anonymity and an extra layer of obscurity for my safety.

There is always lots of activity at the harbor; Craig is daily pulling boats out or putting them back in; riding around on his 4 wheeler w/a giant cigar hanging from his mouth.  I love the trees that surround the harbor; at their tops is where the squealing eagles sit; at the bottom of the trees is the water line from the tides; the trees do not grow branches below there and when scanning the hillside you see the “line” across the bottom as if someone took shears or a chainsaw and chopped it all off evenly, but it’s just the ocean water that has done it. There is the treeline out at the property too; it brings to mind a beautiful ballerina’s tutu with edges and graceful shapes. I feel harbor life is a bit of a metaphor for life (how we are all in various seasons of growth & change); all the various stages of reconstruction and remodeling within the rows & rows of boats; the men & women working on their boats, their livelihoods for fishing jobs or complete enjoyment for their days on the ocean; the boarded up boats that no one wants anymore, abandoned, cracked windows, moss growing in the places of water runoff; the sea providing all the food necessary for the hovering birds; the beautiful silver-spinner tiny fish that look like baited hooked lures when the sun hits them just right.  The mist & rain makes the harbor dirt/gravel road mucky, mushy and sloppy but a few hrs of sun dries it out quickly. Driving 5 mph is a must around here.  The local high school was given a very large sea vessel from a generous benefactor years ago so that the students can learn to boat and fish; so cool I think.  Learning which way the clouds and wind need to be going for the best weather outcomes.  The clouds & rain come and go as often as the tide comes in & out; things are always changing around here!!  I really love the feel of harbor life so far; and yet I am able to sleep a 9-10 hr day here w/the fresh sea breeze air.  It’s delightful to my soul.  

The Adventure Continues……….

Not sure where I learned it, but I like the idea of book-ending a constructive criticism or a harder topic in between a compliment or a positive remark on either side. That’s why I call it the Oreo Cookie Concept. In my observation, it has seemed to at times soften the full-on direct approach to negative feedback or a strong fact or truth that can seem glaring or harsh or too much for some hearers without the cushion of some balance to offset the heavy “middle” especially if it’s a double-stuffed Oreo with a lot of content to convey!

Porches……I really like porches.  Not a cement patio, it’s gotta be a porch with an ample overhang!  Rain, shine, snow, hot or cold, they afford my soul the luxury of being outside in the elements which I love while still being somewhat protected from too much sun or precipitation.  My earliest memory of a porch is spending some time almost every weekend at my paternal gramma’s house, sitting politely in old cane chairs on her dark, shaded, somewhat mysterious back porch filled with her beautiful geraniums.  For me a porch is a set-aside place.  My soul feels more alive there.  It seems to give place to leaning in, to lingering, to wanting to just stay there, and to being more intentional about soaking in quiet, Nature or other people.  There are no in-the-house noises; instead, birds chirping, wind chimes chiming, the buzz of hummingbirds; and the sights less seen draw me into their patterns with prolonged time to just be in the moment; the doves that fly & eat together, the darting of hummingbirds, the skittering lizard along the metal fence rail, the potato bugs & ants going somewhere at their snail’s pace, the squirrel stealing birdseed, the surf at the ocean, the red cardinal with it’s peaked head-feathers sitting majestically atop the junipers; and the sights to notice, the biplanes making the loops, the breeze waving the olive branches, and more. I love it, closer to the gardens, closer to the quiet of Nature and the feel of the breeze on my face, more in tune with the outside sounds. None of this luxury would be seen, heard or felt by me as wonderfully without a porch. Wrap-around porches make me smile because they usually include space for children to play, run & laugh. No matter the size of the porch, they draw me out of being inside and draw me in to the magical-ness of the outside. Bundled up against the cold or seeking shade, I’m sold!  I have memories of a few more special porches…to name a few…the beginner 3ft x 3ft one of Partnow’s before their giant, wonderful, mini-baseball field sized one (both afforded the much-needed outside vibe), my balcony porch at the hotel in Ocean Isle Beach, the screened-in porch at Barb’s house, eating lunch on that restaurant porch in Coeur d’Alene, Baldwin’s front porch with the chiminea and lots of chairs & benches to gather in on, TX Kremer’s back porch, the hummingbird haven upper porch in the Estes Park B&B,  Val’s backyard gardened-in shady space, the B&B South Carolina porch with the white porch swing, outside dining at the Inlet View in NC, the Montana smokehouse with giant windows, the cedar smell, and endless hours of connecting.  I really like porches. They have afforded me a front row seat to many a breathtaking sunrise or sunset. They feel like a God-hug which imprints upon me moments of restoration and renewal. Just thinking of spending time on a porch makes me breathe a sigh of decompressing and satisfaction.  I’ve heard sayings over the years akin to gathering on the porch of God’s Goodness, which evokes such a sense of comfort and connecting to my heart.  I like that sentiment as much as I like porches.

Kudos to designers & architects of porches!

I invite you to join me for tea or coffee on the Porch of God’s Goodness some time soon…..

Today marks the second anniversary of Doug’s Homegoing, altho I believe he now inhabits a place of eternity with no time and space limitations, but here I am still marking things with an earthly perspective. My heart is beyond happy for him to be where I believe there is no pain, no sorrow, no sadness. My words don’t do it justice, I know, and I don’t wanna mess up the incredibleness of God and all but I am wanting to articulate to the best of my ability how I’m feeling so, so grateful today. The days leading up to today have also had the thankful vibe for sure. I imagine the pure joy & full-heartedness Doug must be reveling in, having his questions answered, meeting saints of old, worshipping the Living God with the Angels, living his best life, no fears & no worries about anything. In as much as I believe Heaven to be a perfect place with God & Love & Forever infused into every inch of it there, (and if I’m honest I am kinda jealous that he got to go there first and immediately be plopped into a Place we talked about often, wondered about, tried with our human limitations to imagine, and looked forward to together with such expectation that it gave our earthly life a sweetness that almost defies words….), I have experienced some of my own wonderful, nothing short of miraculous moments here these past 2 years, feeling encased in an ornate & beautiful frame of God’s supreme protection, swaddled securely in peace & comfort, and literally feeling the Hand of God holding my right hand thru the days and months and now years.

The song by Mercy Me, “I Can Only Imagine” is a powerful, anointed strength-narrative that builds me up inside and makes me wanna shout & cheer about Heaven. I never tire of listening to it.

I really like Martha Snell Nicholson’s poem called “The Other Side”…. “This isn’t death–it’s glory! It is not dark–it’s light! It isn’t stumbling, groping, Or even faith–it’s sight! This isn’t grief–it’s having my last tear wiped away; It’s sunrise–it’s the morning of my eternal day! This isn’t even praying–It’s speaking face to face; Listening and glimpsing the wonders of His grace. This is the end of pleading for strength to bear my pain; not even pain’s dark mem’ry will ever live again. How did I bear the earth-life before I came up higher, before my soul was granted it’s ev’ry deep desire, before I knew the rapture of meeting face to face the One who sought me, saved me, and kept me by His grace!”

My strongest Hope, however, is found in God’s Word: In John 11:25, “Jesus said to her, “^[a]I am the Resurrection and the Life. Whoever believes in (adheres to, trusts in, relies on) Me [as Savior] will live even if he dies;” These strong words change the I think so, I wish so, I hope so, and maybe into I know so. Hands down. We do not grieve as those without Hope. John 14:3 reminds me I will once again be reunited with God and with Doug. On this earthly journey we live by faith. Doug now lives by sight. Wow! He is smiling & belly laughing all the time now. I love that thought. I long for that time for me and those I love & share life with until then. Jeremiah 31:9 says, “Tears of joy shall stream down their faces, and I will lead them home with great care.” And let me finish with Jeremiah 31:12, “They shall come home and sing songs of joy upon the hills of Zion, and shall be radiant over the goodness of the Lord…..Their life shall be like a watered garden, and all their sorrows shall be gone.”

I think death deserves a bit more space in the thoughts of our lives because it is just as much a fact in our life as living is. I think too often it’s a subject that can be off limits because of the pain & loss, but may be better for us to include it more often to remove some of its negative emotions & the sting of it. It can be quite a hideous & sad & displeasing subject indeed, however God’s opinion of it says, “Precious in the sight of God is the death of his saints.” Precious means…..invaluable, highly-prized, cherished. Hmmmmm, I want myself to stop letting death be such a dreadful full-stop and I want to view it more like God does. It is apparent to me that God’s Perspective on death is quite different from mine; in that it was His Plan for His own Son to die, to accomplish our redemption and our living with Him forever. Death has a higher purpose, a lasting meaning, and a Divine element of mystery that I’ve yet to fully understand. I look forward to my turn to meet God face to face and ask many questions I have no answers to in this earthly life. I find the Hope that’s woven into so much of God’s Word creeping like a dense fog over the mountains and valleys of what’s left of my years; it serves as a strong reminder to carry on well, to be alive well (because of a big, good God that is to be trusted with every ounce of my being as He heals & restores me), to last well until my own appointed hour, and to die well.

Cheers to Life, to Eternal Life, to God’s Plan, to my XXL, our #6, my high school sweetheart, my life partner, my iron sharpens iron person, wonderful Dad to our kids, companion, and man of Faith who finished his race well. I love you & miss you.